the feeling right now
a collection of poems.
Dearest reader, thank you for your eyes in return i give a collection of passionate expressions about existing. A sort of archive of my poetic psyche. Enjoy :)
A VILLAGE FILLED WITH ME
i watched the comedy central roast of justin bieber the other day i watched it once years ago as i flipped through tv stations i chuckled back then but can’t bear to laugh now so much has changed stars became huge and burst into flames and no one is held accountable i lost my duolingo streak i’d kept it for more than 100 days that’s more days than you loved me he loved me 62 exactly until his waters ran dry and the flow would not flow anymore i moved to a tree filled village after i spent some days by the sea one year in the city one lifetime inside of me and i felt i’d burn the village down but the village had not been mean to me it’s about what freedom means to me for us new lovers waiting for me and reluctantly new friends i am still tethered to my sisters without them i am not three i am alone in a village filled with nothing a village filled with me
ABOUT A BENCH
desire path forbidden path i take you i hold you in my arms like this like this bench that i walked past when i was lost i’ll satisfy you cradle you i’ll be what you expected quiet anticipation silent communication mellow disposition sit comfortably in me let me be someone firm a bench that can weather your storms your lows, your highs, your multitudes your spirit but understand that though i’ll be there all the time you’ll sometimes find me occupied taken up someone you don’t want to sit next to someone who won’t want to sit next to you
HOPING TO FLY
every monday pushes me closer to the edge not sure i can resist it and summer starts to end but this summer barely existed our limbs intertwined our tongues twisted and as the heat dies away i seek warmth in desire in feigned connection in the dark void of yet another man’s affection i am still cold while sitting at his fire because i know what he is i know what i am a liar and while we wax poetic about our lust and how our loving was we pretend that we’re connected we hope that someone gets it and the morning after my soul is bruised my heart is sore my spirit broken i regret it looking for feeling in places i go only when i feel dejected when i need to hurt myself when i’m standing on the ledge not sure when to end it not sure when to say stop stop because it hurts not sure how to explain that kisses hurt the same that love feels almost like being thrown from that height that i can only love at night because the day shows me ugly the light shows my roughness my imperfections my desperation, my avoidance come let’s sun dance on the moon because the moon is always right waning and waxing and changing her form just like me changing my mind about lovers about peace about jumping hoping instead to fly.
HOUSEKEEPING
i wiped my floor clean first i swept it back and forth arms bent and twisted then i washed it watered down and dried it polished and waxed it to see my reflection is dust stickier than it used to be ?
UNTITLED 10/10/2023
i took my daily breather and i dreamt of the ash falling on me smoking a cigarette feels illegal being seen feels more free looking angry is confusing i am angry but i make nice im just being me this is just my face sometimes i feel out of place sometimes what’s the tiniest thing that needs connection ? the wind from a butterflies wings domino effect destruction
HEART ROT
i am so small i am a handful you are my heart full i took a mouthful i spit and i choked my eyes are too big my stomach your host it is an eyesore the fire the blood the decay you said your hearts sore just like a tree core its slowly rotting away we are imperfect we are important we are like babies we fight like men i am enormous you are a handful still you stand ten foot ten just like a God big just like Jesus the cross is not heavy the heavy is that it’s our cross to bear we march to our death like the romans they stare i am so tiny a star you cant see in the sky i have the heart rot a fungi that wants me to die you are just human and sometimes i feel so am i